Every time we stand in church to sing, my 8-years old daughter nestles into my side and my arm goes around her. This always reminds me of the closeness I can have with Christ my Father, and how dearly He loves me. Sounds simple, but trust usually is, right? I am looking to once again trust Jesus like this, but I struggle with even the best evidence perceivable in my own life, because of the scars that seem not to have healed.
Ten years ago we left our home and jobs in California and used all of our savings to follow the leading of the Lord to join a floundering missions organization. Pouring ourselves into the people, the work and the culture for almost six years was not a difficult choice. We had some great times of growth, and we saw so much good! And to be a part of such an accepting and close-knit group was incredible. To this day believe we were following the Lord's leading to be a part of this work He was doing in Asia. The eyes of our heart were opened—but in more ways than we were hoping for.
It has been four years since my family was abused and abandoned by those in leadership of this mission organization. Our family was not alone. Many families were preyed upon and many left shortly after we were kicked out, and the number has grown to about 20-30% of the staff. I believe that us being fired opened the eyes to the toxicity of this dark religious environment. This will sound twisted, but I was so grateful to be let go, grateful that I didn't have to choose, because I was very willing to stay and suffer for the sake of the gospel there...and I now see that I just didn't have to, and that my family would have paid a very steep price if we stayed there.
When abuse, lies and abandonment come from those you trust and love—even though my family and I have made it through (and things are so, so good now) I still struggle with the fear. My feelings unexpectedly surged this month when I was physically drained from surgery, medication, no gym-time, and chronic physical pain. I know the time to think rationally is not when one is under such stress, but like a flood, there were these feelings that I thought I had long said goodbye to. I mean, I was the one who just left my last position, I was not forced out. I have a great job now that has been unmatched in respect and care. What do I need to do before I am healed?
I feel like I will be abandoned by those closest to me, that I will be misunderstood, spiritually abused if I allow anyone close, if try to stop or point out abuse, or simply disagree with anyone. These are the things I did that brought down the boom at the dot-org.
So, I have been thinking a lot lately about why I feel the way that I do and what conditions accelerate these bad feelings, what feelings are present exactly, and what has conditioned me to behave this way. Trying to identify what I exactly feel is difficult. How do I break free from this victim mentality? Is it a victim mentality?
Do I just need to just trust Him, to allow His arm around me, and know He is standing with me (like my daughter does when we sing at church) and allow even more time and circumstance to heal me, or...do I need professional counseling? Yes, I want to be fully healed.
When I first thought of blogging, I was hoping to only write about the good things in life that I did not want to forget because I wanted to think only about them and forget my recent past. I was coming out of these painful times and the denial part was wearing off, and I didn't want to wade through the muck of processing it all. I was, and may still, not be strong enough. But wow, it feels good to even have these few clear thoughts written out.
13 comments:
23, I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. That sounds so incredibly painful, and I am sure these short notes here did not convey even 1 percent of what that felt like. But I felt pain in you as I read these words. I felt pain in me, feeling it in you. I'm so sorry.
I don't know anything about the situation beyond the few words given here, so I don't want to sound like I'm advice-giving or taking presumption with God and you by what I'm about to say. But when I was reading this, I found myself wondering if you are being presented with these fears and same feelings perhaps in order to more fully heal.
I was in counseling one time with a counselor who said, "We are broken through relationship, so it is through relationship that we must find healing." She said this so that I could allow myself to bump up against hard things in my relationship with her that mimicked some of the hard things I was bringing into the room from other place so that she and I could work through those things together, that our work together could be a safe place to process a microcosm of my real life beyond those doors.
Again, I don't want to sound presumptuous that I understand anything here or what God might be about . . . this is just one perspective to consider. My thought was, perhaps this situation is mimicking the other and causing similar feelings so that you and God and your safe community of loved ones can go into it together and begin to learn what healing looks like. Maybe because the healing cannot come unless the feelings are activated in a real way?
I fear I may be doing more harm than good by continuing to talk. If I have, I am truly sorry. But know that this post reached me, and I care, and I'll be holding you up in prayer.
23 degrees, it's so good to hear your voice again in this space -- to hear what you've been struggling with, what you're walking through, and to know how these feelings are resurging. you've mentioned it before, and i just want to say: i'm sorry you and your family were wounded so deeply.
i'm so sorry. like christianne, i fear anything i say may do more harm than good. i just want to sit and listen, even if you have nothing to say. i don't know what happened and i can't know how it felt for you, your wife, & your family to be in that. i'm sorry the wound is that deep, to cause you these sharp flashes of pain these years later. the wound is deep, and so must the healing be.
the picture of you and your daughter is a powerful one: a picture of simple trust, of right relationship -- a picture of how it can be.
praying for healing & restoration,
-k (your gluten-free friend)
Christianne, thank you for your sharing how you found healing and your counseling experience. It makes logical sense, and I am very much looking for insight from someone who has been through this sort of pain and sense of betrayal. Your compassion is evident in your carefully chosen words. Thank you for listening and responding with your heart. It means a great deal to hear, "know that this post reached me, and I care."
And, hey...no THG photo? what's up with that? ;]
Kirsten, thanks for remembering that I have touched on this before, and for your patience in allowing me to revisit it. I know it is a strange circumstance, and tough to really talk about.
I think part of me is ashamed that this cloud has dogged me for so long. When you said, " the wound is deep, and so must the healing be" this was very liberating.
Thank you for listening—for being near. And for your prayers.
ah, my friend, I love to read what you think. You have such a beautiful "voice." OK, do I admit I'm in the boat with you? Ha! My experiences with this group are so much less severe and yet, I am also under the cloud (wait a minute, too many metaphors--not under the cloud--how about still rocking in the boat?)
Trust. You've hit the nail on the head (yes, another metaphor). Thanks for reminding me. And thanks for posting again! You better keep at it!!
Oh! I can't believe I forgot to say I LOVE your new header. Very nice. So is this what happens when you get a few days off work?
p.s. love the new header!! it's gorgeous.
and yes ... speak freely, friend.
Jena, thanks for always walking beside me (us) and for being a life preserver in the escape boat. Not sure how we would have done it without you and B, and J & A's hot tub evenings under the stars.
Hard to admit I am still carrying these wounds, but I feel safe and fairly anonymous sounding them out in this venue. I realize it is difficult for people to comment without the whole story, so glad you dropped in to give my story some perspective. It's freeing to know I (we) are not alone in still dealing with residual from the dot-org. Do I prompt you now to start writing about it, or does that come later? ;]
BTW, the wife of Ahab (is the metaphor going to far?) is speaking a league and a bit from where we are camped. May drop in...
J & K, the image in my header is from a shot I took a couple miles from our house. I so needed a change!
Kirsten, thanks my friend.
Love the new art. It has seeds of healing in its aspect.
Perhaps we heal over time as we take what was meant for evil and mold it into what is beautiful, if even oddly beautiful. I know I feel that way about my writing. I wonder if you sometimes feel that way about your art?
the art...it was time for a change!
I think healing is as you describe, and I see example of this in my life, that only time has revealed. I was just so surprised to be ambushed once more by these feelings of fear (that appear to dwell not too far from the surface.)
Appreciate your thoughts here, Laura.
I think of it as corners. We sweep some clean. Then we find residue in others, unexpectedly. The work takes time. Sometimes surprises us, as you say. But the house is slowly being righted.
Sounds like you're going through part of the healing process. God can't heal our wounds if we hide them and protect them. When honesty rises up out of the dark, sad places inside, it is then that God can enter in and clear out the lies and webs, and heal us up where we need it most.
Thanks for sharing such a difficult thing. Keep your eyes on the ONE who set us free...He never leaves us, nor abandons us, nor betrays us...He is sooooo very good, and you are His!!!
Hey Bro. I wish I could just sit quietly with you for a bit. Part of it just listening, and part of it praying silently.
(big man-hug)
I like the new art, too.
Laura, I think this is a good way to think about it. Makes me think of the analogy in you made in Stone Crossings about how messes in our lives can be like a bunch of tangled necklaces, and how the untangling takes time.
Thanks for adding more of your thoughts in here again to help me see clearly.
Jennifer, I appreciate your insight and encouragement to not bury these feelings and to keep my eyes on Jesus. He is the final word on fear. And yes, He is so good to me.
I wonder, can there be real growth without pain?
Craver, thanks bro. Means a lot to hear these words. I appreciate your kindness and big-man hug.
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