Today, as I was running on the treadmill at the "Y", it came over me again—and I asked the Lord why. For weeks I have had to walk step by step, moment by moment through this darkness, not allowing myself to run away or be paralyzed.
Sometimes my fears are larger than I can believe, and I think to myself, "I have stood many times at Glacier Point in Yosemite, gazed in awe over the the rim of the Grand Canyon, I have stood in the Pacific Ocean, witnessed the birth of my children, and I know my father created these things, yet I still fear? I ask myself, is this fear greater than God Almighty? The God who lives in me? No, but it certainly feels this way right now, and I can't explain it.
I am not frightened easily. As a martial artist, I have stood my ground when the odds were 11 to 2. I have faced the death of both of my folks, lived alone since I was 16, faced the shunning of a religious group which forced me to uproot my family— moments that have defined me and have helped me not to fear, but to trust in the goodness of Lord.
I can clearly see God is with me.
As I ran, I prayed for clarity. Then God answered: I was allowing the fear in. I was giving permission for someone to speak into my life. I was allowing someone to intimidate me whose reputation in dealing with me has only been to cause grief. It was that simple.
The Word says to guard our hearts with all diligence, for out of it flows the wellsprings of life. Diligence is defined as a "constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind."
So my remedy: keep persistent exertion to extinguish, at the threshold of my mind, the verbal and nonverbal voices of this person and the people who do not love me or have my best interest at heart.
I am to bless those who curse me, and pray for those who spitefully use me. But, I don't trust them or allow them to speak into my life.
How did I get to this place? Maybe I need more reminders of how he has led me though my past to keep me from ending up here??
I wonder, after David cut off Goliath's head, if he picked up the stone that felled the Philistine to keep it with him to remind him of that day? I have read he was given his sword. What are some of the things I can use as reminders?
We read later in his life David faced the brother of Goliath and other Gath giants, but he and his warriors killed each of them. Wow, I wonder how he felt when he saw another giant come over the horizon? (Does this story fit in with New Covenant theology?)
Have you had fear that seemed larger than life? What is your story?
13 comments:
Wow. Good thoughts. I've struggled with some of them lately. I wouldn't say I struggle with fear, but then going around some people does give me that jump in the pit of my stomach, so maybe fear is a part of it.
My story is too long for a comment box, but I did ask once for God to allow me to see another person from a different viewpoint other than the one I had of them. He did give me that, and I was able to see this person from even a respectful point of view. But that was a relationship I needed to make work. There are others that bring so much difficulty and even poison, that I've just had to say "no more." I don't hate them, I just am not in a place in my life to deal with them. I don't have the time or energy. I do pray for them. But the idea of reconciling with a brother or sister who is not in that mindset is one that I've learned not to spend too much time on. I have to just make sure my heart is ready for the point in time when (or if) they ever are ready to truly reconcile. No agendas.
I do know, though, that hurts from fellow Christians hurt much deeper. They are unexpected. In fact, I will go so far to say that I am treated kinder and more morally in the world than I am among some Christians. Sad to say, but I have found it to be true.
Pray for those who persecute you. Those were my brother's last words. Can you believe that? They hold a lot of weight with me. God knew the battles I would fight and prepared me for it 15 years ago with those words!
Stacy, I am glad you stopped in. I agree with asking God to help us see others from His perspective, allowing this vantage point was my problem, and man, I felt stuck.
When you say "I have to just make sure my heart is ready for the point in time when (or if) they ever are ready to truly reconcile. No agendas" this is very sound advice and I think that comes from this perspective of forgiveness you talked about (God's perspective).
We can hurt so deeply because we have the ability to love so deeply. The people we let in to the inner concentric circles of relationship (usually believers) are close enough to wound us severely—this happened to Jesus and will happen (and has happened) to us, and we are capable of the same treatment to people who love us. (My hope is that the pain we have felt from betrayal will guard us from hurting others.)
I am sorry you feel that non-believers treat you better, this may be the case where you are right now and the Body you are connected to. Remember, Christians are works-in-progress, and many of us who come to know Jesus have been socially messed up for a long while and are learning to make manners, grace and love a part of our daily habits.
I am moved about what you had to say about your brother, and sorry to hear of your loss, Stacy. I am glad his words buttressed you to stand firm, to be unshakable and steadfast in the Lord.
Hello 23 Degrees. So good to see another post from you here!
What a poignant and insightful piece you've written here. I appreciate that you draw attention to the fact that while there is an enemy who prowls about seeking whom he may devour and while there are people who clearly do not desire our greatest good, we can choose what we let in. We can permit or deny entry to those voices which would steal our peace & our joy.
And that "due diligence" piece. Whoa. We cannot let our guard down. We need to be persistent in the act of protecting our hearts -- the wellspring of life. I think that once I feel safe & secure, I tend to let my guard down. I bet the enemy counts on that.
I love the idea of carrying reminders with us of what God has accomplished. As earthly beings, it makes sense to have something tangible to look to that will draw our minds to the miracles God has worked in & through us so we can more easily remember what He has accomplished. We can call those to mind & perhaps erect that wall of protection that much sooner.
I so appreciate what you share here. It's raw, it's real, and it's something we all face to a greater or lesser degree.
I find that one of my greatest fears -- one at the forefront right now -- is that of sharing my heart with another. I fear sharing my true thoughts, emotions, or what's bothering me for fear it will mean loss or rejection (as more than one past experience has taught me). I fear my own tears and especially fear another seeing them. We all get hurt and we all carry wounds with us from past experiences & relationships. I seem to have particular difficulty with trusting again, with putting my heart out there when having done so before has resulted in the wounds I still carry with me, those wounds which cause me to withdraw & retreat instead of daring to put faith in another human being, trusting they will not abuse my trust. M is really calling this out in me & has challenged me in this area. I will never forget past wounds, but I realized recently that I can choose to trust again, to take the risk to expose my heart to someone who has -- thus far -- proven worthy of it. And maybe by degrees, by exercising due diligence, I will find that I can give my heart more fully.
I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling now. But I wanted to thank you so much for sharing your own story, for being entirely vulnerable, and for inviting other stories to be shared here.
Good to see you again, friend!
Grace & peace.
-k
I suppose that fear can be a healthy thing, in the sense that it warns us... danger on the horizon. But then to turn and face it, like David. Well. There's a time for that. So I try to first listen to the fear. What is it telling me? And then, I try to run towards love.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, fears. I always love reading your words.
Kirsten, thanks for kickin' your shoes off here and staying a while, it means alot.
After reading your comments I got to thinking that we were made to put our hearts "out there." That's our design...and to have to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves came much later.
Overall, I think love is worth the risk, but as the Spirit leads in when and how to reveal your heart. People, if they really are committed to knowing you, will wait to be invited in to your inner circles of trust as they prove trustworthy over time (as you so well said.) Grace and peace to you as well, my friend.
Laura, glad you came by! I really like what you had to say about fear being a warning and a healthy thing, great point. I also like what you said about running towards love, meaning obedience to the Spirit, yes?
Also, just a note: I will be bow hunting and will be back in about a week. Venison anyone?
My husband will be jealous. He hasn't been bow hunting in 10 years. It's that time of year, isn't it? He has a Brackenberry (signed by Jim) and he's dying to teach the boys how to hunt. My oldest is saving for one.
Happy Hunting!
I love what you say about being meant to put our hearts "out there". So, so true. Fear can be warning, cautioning us against impending danger (as Laura said). I guess the problem is when fear becomes a prison and prevents us from moving forward when it is right & good that we should do so. Oh, to have balance!! :o)
Hope you're having fun bow-hunting!
Bowhunting? Dude, I love archery!! Granted, all I have ever killed is paper... still--it's made for some great memories. I wish I could taste some of that venison.
Well, I'm not dealing with fear so much right now. But a profound sadness has struck me in learning that blogging friend Charity Singleton is seriously ill and in pain.
I have returned with another post coming soon.
Stacy, it had been 12 for me. Sounds like your husband has a killer bow!
Kristen, glad you stopped in again. I re-read your earlier comments and am amazed at your willingness to share your own fears, thank you for being so open, and for facing your fears and walking through them. I have been struggling again, and though I feel I have figured out why I am feeling the way I am, it's another thing to steadfastly live it out. I could use your prayers.
Craver, thanks for the heads-up on Charity, I will be sure to pray for her and stop by her blog.
I am glad to hear you like archery. I will drop some venison steaks off to you sometime...when I finally bag one!
fear and anger are awful things.
i do not know much about theology, but, i really enjoyed your post.
thanks.
Nice post.
I've faced many giants through my life, and continue to do so. But one thing I've learned through them all, when I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk on top of the crashing waves. Jesus is always there to lift me up, carry me forward and help me to rest, in Him.
Nancy, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am always amazed when a new traveler stops in.
Jennifer, I am still in this learning process, so I appreciate the reminder. Truly this is the key: to focus on Him AND have the guts to jump out of the boat (with no water-wings) and trust Him to make our steps secure. Thanks for stopping in.
Just stopping in to say hi. How about another post... we are anxiously (not fearfully, mind you) waiting. ;-)
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