I lost a good friend about two years ago.
Not only did we work together every day, we were neighbors. Our families would watch movies together, sing around the piano and even pray together. We celebrated over the birth of my daughter and wept over the loss of her mother. We were as close as brother and sister for about six years.
It wasn't by death that I lost her, but by the silence that comes from a belief that it was wrong for me to question the spiritual authority of the religious group our families were a part of—a group whose leaders had spiritually and emotionally abused our family—in the name of reaching the lost with the love of Christ. A leadership that I had to stand up against.
Many people who were a part of this organization visited us, called us, and helped us process and move forward, shared with us their stories, and to our surprise we found that we were not alone. Many families left the org soon after we were dismissed, and there has been a steady flow ever since of people who wake up to the fact that they are needlessly suffering for the Gospel and that all leadership has to have accountability.
Through all this, my friend has chosen to remain silent, which has left a large hole in my heart that has been difficult to ignore, but slow for me to come to terms with.
So what has happened to me as I have carried this wound? I have had to learn to trust again, but it has been a very gradual process. I have learned that I can only have responsible relationships with responsible people. I am also convinced now that loving someone cannot come without risk of pain, and the closer someone is, the more it hurts when the silence comes.
What else happened? God convinced me He knows who you need in your life to help your heart heal, and pull you out of the ashes.
Over the last year, I have made this kind of friend. She has helped me to laugh with my soul and truly has helped pull me from the muck and distrust I have carried around for too long. She has helped me to think a lot about my family because of how interconnected she is with her own, and has helped me to hunger for heaven because of the sense of justice she owns in standing up for herself and what she believes in. She's not afraid to ask questions, to be herself.
There is a verse that says, "He who waters will himself be watered." Other translations say "he that refreshes "—nonetheless I used to think this meant that if you are a nice and giving person then one day people will be nice and giving to you. Well, we do reap what we sow, but I think this verse has an immediacy to it as in when you refresh someone—you are refreshed at the same time.
This is my hope (and God's promise) for my friend. If you ever read this, thank you! Be well watered!
10 comments:
Thank you for sharing this. You're right -- all relationships carry an element of risk. Just think of the risk God takes, by loving us so extravigently!
Blessings, friend.
Good to hear you talking about this. I have some friends who were also burned by the leadership of a big X-tian organization (and because the guy is famous and has written a lot of best-selling books, his pockets are deep and it seemed best for my friends to just walk away from it all).
But it hurt. And they lost friends. And they were ostracized and scapegoated. And they had no job to go to, but the pain was greater than the fear, and the need to get out of an unhealthy, damaging place was also greater.
I bet there is more of this out there than people talk about.
Heal on, friend. And thanks for letting us walk along.
LM, to think God loves us extravagantly is almost beyond comprehension, but something to meditate on and let overwhelm us—thanks for this comment. AND thanks for you and Mr. LM walking with us these years and helping us more than you would ever realize. God is good, and has used you to prove it my sister and brother.
LL, I bet there is a lot more out there than we could imagine. God help us help them! I had a friend visit us there and spent a few days with leadership ( to talk over a large freelance project) and I remember how it felt when she said, "I have to tell you something and you may not like what I have to say. I have been in abusive relationships before with men, and you are in one right now with this organization, and you need to leave. They are killing you." What a wake-up call.
You know it's easy to think it's just quirkiness, but being out of the element now for 2.5 years, I understand now that when the leader says things like. "If you leave here, your teenage daughters will become pregnant and your sons will be drug addicts", that it is manipulation, not some cultural misunderstanding—and the leader needs to be held accountable for his words. The problem: he has no one to be accountable (on earth) to. A good lesson for us all.
Thanks for your blessing and for walking along as we heal, Laura. I appreciate your friendship and insight.
23 - It has been an honor to walk with you, friend. I will never forget when we got the *first* email, highlighting some problems. And then, as we delved further into the situation, we could not believe what was going on. Well, we could, but we couldn't. It was very much like finding out the friend next-door was being abused by her husband.
I am just so thankful you and family are where you are.
God is good.
Wow. I am amazed that your friend was so honest and so forthright, telling you what she saw about your situation. And, to your credit (and maybe your wife's too?), you listened.
Followed a link back to here - and what a post.
Thank you so much for sharing part of what seems to be a great tragedy - and congratulations for walking away and standing, even if alone. That takes a faith in God that is real and true. There's a reason scripture tells us that we walk by faith, not by sight because our tendency is certainly to walk by what we see just around us.
It's also why Rom 12 tells us that "in as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men", because sometimes others are just not willing to be at peace with you and remain in either silence or hurtful insinuation. I'm sorry that your friend chose either of these rather than the true and living God.
It always makes me think of 1John2:10, "they went out form us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remianed with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us."
Do not doubt yourself as you move forward learning to trust again - God had His own reasons for allowing you to be in relationship with these people and allowed you to think, for a time, that they were "one of you".
Thank you again for sharing this part of your story. I will look forward to reading more.
LL, I listened enough to prepare to depart, but the sad part is, I was willing to put up with the abuse from the hands of these religious leaders for the sake of the lost not realizing (and even now having a hard time) that there are many orgs reaching out and many ways that do not involve such deception and control. Would this be mind control?
Halfmom, Thanks for perspective and encouragement. It means a lot. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my mind around it all, but I know the Body of Christ is larger than that one group and he reminds me through comments like yours that I am never alone. The hardest part is forgiving myself for allowing it to happen.
Oh, I don't think you have to "forgive yourself" - you saw what you saw when you were allowed to see it - spiritual eyes must be used to discern spiritual things - God could have allowed you to see what was happening sooner - or not be involved at all, from the beginning - rather, I think you have to trust Him that He knew what He was doing and He did it for His glory and your good - because it's who He is!
Sometimes, for me, the "forgiving myself" part is just because I don't want to be or appear to be stupid again - I want to be IN CONTROL - but it's who I am - I want to control my environment and what happens to me so I don't have to hurt again because I think sometimes that I have already been hurt enough - but God has showed me over and over that this is not a walk of faith but fear of man and idolatry because I want to be in control. Not a very pretty picture of me, is it?
halfmom, thanks again for your insight here and for being open about your life.
He has done great things in our lives in spite of what we have had to endure, and I am thankful.
Lessons learned through pain grace our lives and help us love others who are wounded like nothing else could. Hence, here we are sharing our stories, our lives, and finding bits of healing from one another.
One body in Christ. Beautiful!
you betcha! - comfort with the comfort we have received - and there's been a lot of that for me!
Number 23:19 - He is not a mna that he should lie, nor a son of man that he should change his mind -
He is faithful - always - truthful - always - present, loving, allpowerful - always!
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