I watch them when they are not looking and sometimes when they are. My eyes find it hard to release the fixation. Whether it is an "ordinary" thing they are doing or something extraordinary my eyes soak them in like a dry sponge, especially when they are sleeping.
I delight in them.
Dropping them off one by one at their schools, I get a quick "love you" from my 14-year old while he glances at himself in the reflection of the truck window before slinging his backpack over his 6' 1'" frame. As he walks to the front doors I pray for him to be a light to his classmates. It's his first year in this school and in this town, but he has done well and I am proud of his determination and of his kindness. He amazed me two months ago by agreeing to go to a turnabout dance with a girl who has some special needs. Blew me away. He told me later he couldn't believe how the other girls were impressed by this—maybe it was a glimpse for them into his heart. It was for me, and I thought I knew him.
(I ran bleachers with him tonight after his track meet and heard about his friends and what he is thinking of doing this summer to get prepared for football. It was good to just be with him on his terms. We also ran some 50's and 100's together and I officially can no longer stay with him past 60 meters. I knew the day would come, but not so soon.)
My kindergardener and I are the first to arrive at the elementary school. Soon moms and dads roll up in the minis and SUVs. I am surprised at how many pajama bottoms I see poking out of the winter coats.
We unbuckle and talk for a while until a friend arrives and I walk her toward the doors. Looking around I see a lot of parents holding little hands and notice all of the backpacks look way too big. When we get to the doors she makes two attempts to give me a kiss in front of her friend and a quick hug. I make sure her coat is zipped and backpack is okay before whispering into her ear "I love you." I can feel the moisture start to form on my eyes as I turn to go. Then experience an odd sense that life, learning isn't supposed to be this way even though it is and wish she could just hang out with me for the day. As I walk back to my truck I pray for her protection, abundant creativity and for her to be a joyful soul.
When I see her at home after our days are done I always ask her the same three questions: Did you make any friends? Did you foofer in class? Did you hit anyone? (She laughs every time.)
I know the day is fast approaching this year when winter will undress and spring will clothe this rural college town. My bike will come out of hibernation and mom will make these morning drops. So today, I soak it all in and feel the delight of them being my children and of the wonder I find in being their dad.
11 comments:
Beautiful moments, my friend.
And, 6'1", are you KIDDING me? Where have the years gone?
A beautiful reflection. I can feel the longing in here... to hold on to them forever. (I get a small reprieve, as I'm homeschooling, but, still, there are those moments when I watch them do something... maybe dance, or even just eat, and I don't want anything to ever change. Sometimes I weep to think that I will, if things go normally, die before them, and that I'll miss the rest of their lives. Yes, it reminds me to be as you are... appreciative of the moments I now have.)
LM, thanks. This same boy sat on my lap at your wedding (and asked you for a kiss)
LL, thanks for the comments. I do miss the freelance and homeschool routine, you are fortunate. You know, this delight reminds me, each time, that our Father in heaven delights in us the same way. He originated the feeling and puts the capacity in us to be able to feel the same way. What a beautiful mystery.
"This same boy sat on my lap at your wedding (and asked you for a kiss)"
Yes....just yesterday, wasn't it?? :-)
So, you used to freelance and homeschool? Are neither of these a part of your life now? I do believe I've been freelance more than employed, as I used to have my own art business and now it's writing. (Okay, so I seem to like to be boss, but we're working on that...)
So, my business was much in the other direction... medical magazines, as well as a lot of pharmaceuticals, vitamin companies, film companies and so on. I drew the line at beer advertising (and the director I freelanced for was gracious to let me get by with such refusal).
I was a graphic designer, very techie type who rode the first wave of computer tools before others were ready and willing. But on my honeymoon I went to Paris and saw real art and an artful city and I came home disillusioned, and I went back to school to get a Masters in Teaching.
And now I'm a writer? Truly unexpected.
Oh, so you checked out Jonathan. Isn't he marvelous?
(this is an edited re-post from 13.4.07, deleting my email address, sorry if any confusion—)
LL, We have taken homeschooling one year at a time (also private school and charter school.) Year by year, kid by kid, we have chosen our coarse. Both are in public school in our small town of 6,000 this year for the first time and are lovin' it. Work: Somehow they let me into a building with doors, cubicals and 50-cent coffee. Go figure. I am allowed to work on a 132 page monthy as art director. Through an answer to very specific prayer, (and the Word and the Holy Spirit's lead) I am here and it's good, honest work. I freelance from my studio in the off hours, but I push so hard during the day and have little left over after dinner and time connecting with my family to make art, unless I stay up late. But I have freelanced a few projects for mission orgs lately and would really like to aim do that kind of work again FT in some capacity. I miss the freelance lifestyle, but working almost exclusively in the Christian publishing realm had many financial disadvantages. I wouldn't be as exclusive if I went back. What was your own art business about? BTW, I have checked out Jonathan's editorial art and photography (link on your website.) Very nice work.
Ah, that feels better. I shudder to think what would have happened if the spammers buried you.
Hey, man, it is SO time for a new post. That's why I tagged you. (Well, and because I thought you'd be a fun participant.)
Come to Seedlings and get the scoop.
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