Unexpected Surge

Every time we stand in church to sing, my 8-years old daughter nestles into my side and my arm goes around her. This always reminds me of the closeness I can have with Christ my Father, and how dearly He loves me. Sounds simple, but trust usually is, right? I am looking to once again trust Jesus like this, but I struggle with even the best evidence perceivable in my own life, because of the scars that seem not to have healed.

Ten years ago we left our home and jobs in California and used all of our savings to follow the leading of the Lord to join a floundering missions organization. Pouring ourselves into the people, the work and the culture for almost six years was not a difficult choice. We had some great times of growth, and we saw so much good! And to be a part of such an accepting and close-knit group was incredible. To this day believe we were following the Lord's leading to be a part of this work He was doing in Asia. The eyes of our heart were opened—but in more ways than we were hoping for.

It has been four years since my family was abused and abandoned by those in leadership of this mission organization. Our family was not alone. Many families were preyed upon and many left shortly after we were kicked out, and the number has grown to about 20-30% of the staff. I believe that us being fired opened the eyes to the toxicity of this dark religious environment. This will sound twisted, but I was so grateful to be let go, grateful that I didn't have to choose, because I was very willing to stay and suffer for the sake of the gospel there...and I now see that I just didn't have to, and that my family would have paid a very steep price if we stayed there.

When abuse, lies and abandonment come from those you trust and love—even though my family and I have made it through (and things are so, so good now) I still struggle with the fear. My feelings unexpectedly surged this month when I was physically drained from surgery, medication, no gym-time, and chronic physical pain. I know the time to think rationally is not when one is under such stress, but like a flood, there were these feelings that I thought I had long said goodbye to. I mean, I was the one who just left my last position, I was not forced out. I have a great job now that has been unmatched in respect and care. What do I need to do before I am healed?

I feel like I will be abandoned by those closest to me, that I will be misunderstood, spiritually abused if I allow anyone close, if try to stop or point out abuse, or simply disagree with anyone. These are the things I did that brought down the boom at the dot-org.

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about why I feel the way that I do and what conditions accelerate these bad feelings, what feelings are present exactly, and what has conditioned me to behave this way. Trying to identify what I exactly feel is difficult. How do I break free from this victim mentality? Is it a victim mentality?

Do I just need to just trust Him, to allow His arm around me, and know He is standing with me (like my daughter does when we sing at church) and allow even more time and circumstance to heal me, or...do I need professional counseling? Yes, I want to be fully healed.

When I first thought of blogging, I was hoping to only write about the good things in life that I did not want to forget because I wanted to think only about them and forget my recent past. I was coming out of these painful times and the denial part was wearing off, and I didn't want to wade through the muck of processing it all. I was, and may still, not be strong enough. But wow, it feels good to even have these few clear thoughts written out.

Heart for Hurting People

I saw a website today about how a ministry "has a real heart for hurting people."

Hmmmm.

I want to hurt people too sometimes, but I didn't know THAT could be a ministry!

Have I found my true calling?

Validation in Ministry

After working in full-time ministry for 10 years, and now not working within a ministry full time, I struggle with feelings of validation, of making a direct difference in the world and often question if I am doing enough for God or doing enough important stuff for God.

This leads me to the question: How can one's life, or the work they do be more important than another's in God's eyes?

I remember being asked to speak to a large group of missionary students in a developing country. These men and women would soon be will planting churches, enduring hardships and facing physical opposition, maybe even martyrdom. My job was to raise money and awareness for them and their families so they could eat, have a home and well, be missionaries. My job was not as exciting as theirs one could say, or as visible, but who would argue which job was more important. How about the people that supported my family while we did our work to support their families?

Looking at scripture, I read:
But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable. (1 Corinthians 12)

If we are interconnected as one body, we are all interconnected in ministry. I think this means working together as one. Mother Teresa said that sometimes we have to do the small things so God can do the big things.

Going on, in Romans 12: For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.

What I learn from this is I must guard against trying to validate myself and just participate (be the part of the body I am) as I am led by His Spirit in other people's lives. We belong to one another.

Sometimes this participation is a cup of cold water, making a brochure, or changing a poopy diaper. It could be in Calcutta or in Crystal Lake. Sometimes the picture is clear how we all connect, but we look through a glass dimly and catch glimpses of the big picture mostly from the rear-view mirror.

Is it possible that as I aim towards where my great passion and where the worlds great need intersect, I will be doing what I need to be doing as long as I listen to the love of God in my life? Being me? I think so.

What negates all of this? If I put my passion or call for mission or ministry before people, before love. If a calling or vision to get a job done becomes more important than the people I am doing it with, becomes more important than my family the word of God is clear on that—it profits me nothing. (1 Cor. 13)

Mother Teresa said that faithfulness is more important than success. When we stand before God on judgment day will He say, "well done my good and successful servant?" No, He will say, "well done my good and faithful servant."

"Now abide in these three, faith hope and love, but the greatest of these is love."


More thoughts on Body life at this link